Damaged Thoughts

Apologies for not having a new post for a while!

Over this past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about mental health. I’m not entirely sure what sparked these thoughts in my head, but I’m sure it has lot to do with the passing of Aaron Swartz. Many of the articles I’ve read describe him as a genius, one who constantly pushed boundaries, and fighting for what was right and fair. He did all these things while at the same time struggling with depression.

Forever alone

I started contemplating about the nature of those who are loved, even admired, fall prey to their own thoughts of feeling defeated or torture. I thought perhaps writing about my own struggles would help me from slipping into my own tortured state once again.

Over the past few days, I’ve been feeling down. This usually happens immediately after I feel on top of the world and I can’t really explain why at the height of my happiness I crash the following day. There have been times in my life where I’ve felt so depressed that this heavy grey cloud hanging over me and no matter the insane amount of love that is directed my way from my family, my wife, even my dog, is enough to sway the thoughts that torment me.

Thoughts and feelings of disconnection from others or a lack of meaningful contact. I could be sitting right beside a good friend and even then not feel there in the moment with them. When I was in my later teenage years, this was the norm most of the time. I didn’t really know what to do or how to deal with it, but I managed somehow. I wasn’t the type who would physically hurt myself or others, I just internalized what I felt as much I could.

As time moved on I grew up and I experienced substantially less feelings of negativity, but they never left entirely. The breakup of a girlfriend would thrust me right back into a painful existence, not unlike anyone else, except that the anxiety and self-blame would linger longer than they should have. I tried relating to friends about the feeling I felt inside, but I never could explain the depth of feeling to which I felt inside. Conversely a major win in my life would push me into feeling of uncontrollable bliss soon followed by a slump that would last for a few days after.

I know I’ve always been someone who feels emotions quite deeply and because of that I don’t usually enjoy sharing them with others for fear that I invite an opportunity to be hurt, but I know there are others out there who’ve share similar feelings as me, and this post is dedicated to them.

We are not alone in our battle with ourselves. We have each other.